(our wedding, may 2008)

a few weeks ago a friend of ours got married, and the couple asked josh to speak during the ceremony on marriage and what it has meant to him. sort of funny, in a way, because of course we haven't been married quite 5 years ourselves. also, what a broad topic to have to narrow down to five minutes. i wouldn't have known where to start... but josh picked one facet of the thousands to focus on, and shared it with the clarity and ease that comes so naturally to him. it seemed to really strike a chord with the people there-- so many sought him out to thank him after the ceremony.

i'm posting part of it here because it is just so well said.

(it's worth noting that the groom requested Josh to also read Shakespeare's sonnet 116, which is what all the references are.)

Tom has asked me to say a few words about marriage, to share from my experiences as a husband to my lovely wife, Rebekah. So I would like to share some thoughts with you today concerning the nature of love, of true love--the kind of love that "looks on tempests and is never shaken." And what I would like to put forward to you is a principal that I have come to see in many aspects of life; and that principle is this: virtues always require their negatives in order to exist most fully. 

            Now, let me explain what I mean: If we take the virtue of courage, for example, we can clearly see this principle at play. For courage is not, as some mistake it, being fear-less. Rather, courage is the ability to act even in spite of one's fears. It is only when you are gripped in the jaws of your fear that the possibility for true courage even emerges, for without the presence and possibility of cowardice courage cannot exist. In order to grow in courage, you must necessarily feel un-courageous--and still choose to face the thing you most fear.

            To give another example: we can see this same principle at work in the virtue of patience. I used to think that I was patient--and then I had two children. You see, it's really not until you are irritable, grouchy, overtired, and feeling decidedly impatient that the real need for patience is able to be fully realized. In other words, if you are only patient when you feel patient, then you aren't actually patient at all. Patience requires impatience in order to grow.

            And I can see this same, paradoxical principle at work in love. The strong feelings of love that we have in the beginning of a relationship are wonderful, and we should treasure them. But it is precisely at that moment when those feelings of love cease that the true possibility of love raises its head. For, we must acknowledge: feelings change; our emotions turn like the tide, and we never feel one way constantly. This is why it would be foolish to promise to always feel in love; this is like, as C.S. Lewis puts it, promising to always have a headache. Thus, it is in those times when we do not feel 'in love' where lives the potential for a deeper love to grow. This is the love that does not "alter when it alteration finds;" a stronger love which "alters not with [time's] brief hours and weeks / but bears it out even to the edge of doom."

            So today, I would exhort you with this: love one another, even when you do not feel like it--especially when you do not feel like it. For in this act of loving--even in the absence of lovely feelings--this is where the heart of marriage is hidden.


p.s. did you notice my sweet students in the picture?? they were little sophomores then--now they're nearly graduated from college. yikes.